The Shore

12 Sep

1. I saw a New Jersey plate recently that featured a lighthouse and the motto “Shore to Please.” I would like to alter it slightly with the addition of “And Spread Disease.”

2. I remembered reading that England had a “Geordie Shore” but then forgot about it, and didn’t expect to be reminded by an Economist article, but whaddyaknow?

Its image is two-dimensional, and often dismal. “Geordie Shore”, an MTV reality show featuring scantily-clad local lasses, gormless lads and a lot of Bacardi Breezers, reinforces a perception of working-class hedonism which makes many residents wince.

That’s actually the only sentence in the whole article about the show but the author tries, at least, to connect it to the political and economic story of the north east. All I gather is it used to be industrial and has been ailing for a while, but there are at least a few car manufacturers there to be optimistic about. How this is responsible for heavy drinking, I don’t… ok, maybe the whole issue is underemployment. I can sympathize with that.

3. Here’s some fun Jersey statistics: 19% of New Jersey voters have tattoos, poll finds.

Now imagine if they counted the people who couldn’t be bothered to ever register to vote?


(An Ode to) Coffaine

6 Sep

It’s one hell of a drug. I really just mean caffeine, but it’s had such a profound impact on my day/week/life that I can understand why people get into trouble with nose candy.

A (small) cup of espresso transforms me. It doesn’t just get me out of bed, it gets me outside in my workout clothes, running- up hills, before the fat child in my brain can say “slow down and get me some chocolate”. It gets me cranking out cover letters, normally very difficult for me, like a machine. It reminds me of all the great inventions I’ve ever thought of and how I could absolutely start a company or two and make money off my ideas. It gets me to actually write, like now, instead of shoving thoughts into the “write this later” bin deep in my mind and ignoring the fact that I could just put them here, or anywhere. It makes me feel invincible, like I could do all of those things I’ve been meaning to do RIGHT NOW, SIMULTANEOUSLY. (Alcohol can also encourage one to go ahead and do all these things but not well.) This is all very different from my natural morning-state, in which I hate everyone and everything that just interfered with whatever I was dreaming about.

So I see how some other stimulants can be incredibly alluring. I also wonder what the 80’s would’ve been like without them. Or did all those songs about kicking ass and being the best and the eye of the tiger/thrill of the fight just come naturally? Maybe they were written after a lot of coffee.




I’m just going to leave this here…

Aside 12 May

Demonstrate value

Engage physicaly

Nurture dependence

Neglect emotionally

Inspire hope

Separate entirely


I can’t get tired of this episode. I’m watching it for the fourth time and it’s as funny as the first. There’s at least one Boondock Saints reference. And it’s just one of the reasons I can see Dennis being a future serial killer.


Epic Danny de Vito lines in this. 

“You have a system where you come in after Mac?”

“That’s right, I come in after Mac, but he’s takin like forever this time.”

“I got my magnum condoms, I got my wad of hundreds. I’m ready to plow!”

“You should see him feast, it’s like a mantis… it’s amazing.”

“Ooh, that’s good. Coll me that from now on. Mantis…”


Drunk Girl Insight

7 May

“Sorry… ohhhh, you’re wearing a cardigan. You must be very conservative.”

after walking into me at a Cinco de Mayo day party

Regarding Meireles being a Hipster

5 May


See you in the FA cup tomorrow, Portuguese hipster footballer…


28 Apr

I just received a nice reminder of why I no longer look at Myspace:

(I don’t know any Kevin Wrights.)

By the way, I was once at a lounge when a “fashion show” that was more “trashion show” started. One of the “models” looked like Ke$ha and I successfully caused double-takes by yelling “OMG IT’S KE$HA!!!!!” every time she walked near us. It was fun and I highly recommend it anytime you see a girl that looks like a wreck under fake blonde hair.

26 Apr


I don’t even care what your name is. You’re no Catherine Zeta Jones, who actually, you know, dips beneath lasers.

Is there anything more to T-mobile’s marketing strategy than “look at this smug bitch in a pink dress”? T-Mobile’s marketing is the girl in middle school who thinks she’s hot shit and that everyone else should know it just by looking at her “you think you’re better than me?” smirk. No need to prove herself or make any argument about why she’s better than you; she’s just gonna stand there in a dumbass pink dress and heels and Barbie lipstick, staring at you until you acknowledge her superiority.

Derageifying Music

Ahhhhh. I need more Fila Brazilia in my life. Especially in my car.

In Soccer News

Meireles: Portuguese hipster footballer? Outdated photo, but I haven’t finished watching the Chelcelona match so I’m afraid to see more recent search results. Can’t you just seem him in a deep-V-neck with a scarf and cigarette? A la hipster, not just a la europe.

Speaking of Things Heineken Sponsors

I love watching soccer as much as I love watching Bond films. However, I believe only one of these is an appropriate place for a Heineken advertisement. I’m waiting to come up with/taking suggestions on humorous ways to protest this travesty. (“Picketing” movie theaters with martini glasses instead of signs comes to mind.)

OK, put them side by side and, wow. There IS no comparison.

Apparently they have been forced into this brand-prostitution due to budget constraints, about which this hilarious article was written. Heritage suggests: 

Q could knock up a cardboard pterodactyl so that Bond can adequately compete in the Birdman competition. Instead of giving 007 a swish Aston Martin, let’s just hope he can make do with a Megarider ticket for the number 60 bus to Chichester.

Speaking of Film Atrocities

It’s a Lifetime movie, so I’m not gonna get all heated about it, but LOL.

Just look at that picture; Liz Taylor (~age 40) and Lindsay Lohan have remarkably similar skin.


A Mystery Solve…

22 Apr

A Mystery Solved

I just found out a song that’s been in and out of my head since my childhood is the Ace Ventura theme. It makes sense, since Ace was my hero for a long time, I just somehow forgot what that was from.

Crazy Talk

I had a really weird thought. What if mascara commercials weren’t allowed to use fake eyelashes? And just had to show you the effects of their product on a model’s eyelashes? So they’d try to differentiate their product from other mascaras by actually making it work better? I know, it’s insane.

Weird Reno 911!-related Cameo

For the record: his talent means nothing in this completely unfunny film.

I didn’t think I cared about “Le Divorce” (I’m just mindlessly sitting in front of it) but Thomas Lennon is in it! What?

I was just watching Reno! 

2 minutes later: he’s gone and I don’t care anymore. But the movie is still on in front of me and I don’t feel like moving.

update: Kate Hudson’s character just met some guy with insane hair. Like, completely vertical, but somewhat wavy/curly, but not a fro at all.

2 minutes later: Kate Hudson’s character is in his bed. OK. Did I miss something?

10 minutes later: Kate Hudson’s character is in bed with the middle-aged French uncle of her sister’s shitty, cheating husband. Last time I’d heard about him we were finding out he was married, with 2 kids.

fin: after playing violin as an outlet for my movie-induced frustration I came back to see the last 5 minutes. Well, it turns out some people got what they deserved, but the main character remained as naive and self-absorbed as she was in the beginning. Really? I get the feeling we’re not supposed to despise her. The conclusion is essentially “Well, it looks like adultery is kind of messy sometimes. And sometimes it’s fun and whimsical and tres chic! Guess this makes me French now!”

I CANNOT DEAL with this. Excuse me while I go eat chocolate angrily.

22 Apr Sometimes he needs both beer goggles and regular goggles

A Sleazy Memory

For some reason I just remembered an iconic moment in my first trip to New Jersey. I was actually visiting a friend at Princeton who chose to ignore that Princeton is, in fact, in New Jersey (or at least said “it’s different”). They are sort of a little bubble. Anyway some “outsiders” had broken into the Princeton matrix that day and approached us as we left dinner. They seemed like high schoolers, to make things even stranger. One of them crossed the street with the “can I ask you a question?” premise to talk to us, which reminded me of that “Pickup Artist” creep because it was definitely something he taught in his school for losers who want to learn how to confuse dumb women into their beds. He was wearing a Playboy shirt and I could smell the bullshit instantly so I turned away from his ridiculous story to see his friend eating a cannolo, and suddenly I didn’t feel like walking away just yet. All I remember saying is WHERED YOU GET THAT? and eventually asking him and his friend how they feel about the Sopranos’ and places in the show. My friend and her friends had gone, and I was still talking to a pudgy kid in a Playboy shirt and a guy with a cannolo- he kindly offered me some, by the way, but I don’t share cannoli with strangers. 

No shame; no regrets. How else was I going to experience the real New Jersey while stuffed inside a charming, cobblestoned bubble of erudition?

I would've included a photo from that illustrious trip if I knew where they were, but Landon Donovan trying to be sexy is close enough. What's with his pink nails, anyway?

Middle-Aged Neighbors

They don’t also throw parties, but when they do, they prefer to throw them on warm nights when my windows are open and I hear their terrible old music in my room.

Fashion Questions

OK, these likely brought back the NJ  memory.

1. What is this?












2. How do I know if I am eligible to wear this?


And how embarrassing would it be for me to wear it without knowing for certain that I could?

I do realize in certain parts of Europe you simply need to have the attitude of “I deserve to wear this and anyone who disagrees is wrong and can fuck off” to wear something like this. And it helps if not many people in your town speak English.

18 Apr


I’m surprisingly ok around spiders, considering the number of phobias I have. 8 seems to be the perfect balance between no legs (ICK) and so-many-that-it-moves-like-it-has-no-legs. They are also the one constant in terms of “wildlife” in my house, throughout my entire life. It goes like this: I see one on the wall, I say “hey buddy, you stay over there and I’ll stay over here”, the spider abides because it knows I have the size advantage, and there is harmony and no swatting/crushing/flushing. But lately the spiders have no interest in respecting our treaty. I’ve seen 2 in or around my violin case (GTFO!) and they just looooove the shower. Is it extreme thirst that drives them to risk their lives crawling towards the stream of water when I’m showering? Are they perverts? Are they just way, waaay dumber than I perceive them to be?


So, this commercial keeps playing on CNBC, which is always on at work. They have a bunch of Beyonce music videos/performances strung together and clips of her wailing, and quotes from snazzy sources in glittery font, all to inform people who’ve been living under a rock that Beyonce is fabulous!!! and we should go buy her music (hadn’t you heard? Oh, everyone should know by now she’s fabulous.) And one quote brought me to an actual epiphany; a magazine called her “relentlessly perfect“. That is why I’m tired of her. It’s not just the warbly high-pitched repetitive choruses that I’ve heard too many times. It’s not that she seems like a bad person, because she actually seems like a sweetheart even while shitting on golden toilets (presumably). Being perfect all the time just isn’t very exciting, and it’s not something I’ll ever relate to. It’s alienating. In fact, she might be an alien, since she’s apparently flawless. Maybe it’s not her fault, but that of the people crowing about her perfectness and hyping her up. Maybe at home she wakes up in the morning feeling ugly, spills coffee all over herself and swears loudly, and spends a full hour sulking and not wanting to work out but has to “because of that damn photoshoot next week”. I never get to hear about her failing at anything, and I don’t know if she has a self-deprecating bone in her body. Assuming she does have some flaws, she comes across as being very good at hiding them from the world.

Excuse me Beyonce, could you please stop assaulting me with your perfection?

Shit Movie of the Week

N: Nurture dependence

I went on imdb tonight, as always when watching a terrible movie, to see what other viewers had to say about it (i.e. what specfically bothered them). That proved deeply dissatisfying, because Knight and Day has a shitload of fans. My parents included (“you know I hate Tom Cruise, but, you have to see it!”). I know the whole thing is supposed to ooze charm and adventure and something along the lines of romance/sexual something but I could NOT get over how fake the characters were. Tom Cruise was meh while Cameron Diaz was this moronic helpless quirky? blonde who seemed scripted by a 13 year old boy with little experience or knowledge of females– and I hate that I have to qualify that. So I started off thinking “hm, ok, there isn’t a shred of realism in this movie” and from there it gets worse and creepier. Cameron Diaz wakes up on this dude’s island with no recollection of getting there, in a bikini that isn’t hers. I’ll let one of the few wise reviews on imdb explain everything I felt about this garbage.



Teehee, men can be so silly.

Glad I’m not the only one. Blonde gets angry briefly after the whole “drugging and dragging to the lair and undressing” incident and her attempt at fighting Mysterious Man is diffused into giggling and rolling around in the sand with him.

Seriously, I wouldn’t let The Original James Bond or even his Pierce Brosnan reincarnation get away with that. If this doesn’t bother people, I’d like them to imagine Nick Nolte as the protagonist. Is it still cute, or is it actually creepy when you take away the blinding Tom Cruise smile and the (short, stumpy) muscles? I can’t even write this off as the writers trying to patch one of many plot holes, because Diaz’s character could have just woken up in her original dress on the beach, a little woozy. That’s just as believable as the rest of this garbage. They wanted to make a point about this guy taking the clothes off an unconscious girl, and it’s just not funny to me.*

*For the record, I laughed at the GOB/rohypnol jokes on Arrested Development, because he was blatantly portrayed as a sleazebag and, well… we always saw him taking advantage of conscious girls (or, more often, attempting to). Most of the characters on that show clearly had some deep flaws but got what they deserved, occasionally, and we’d see Michael rolling his eyes or George Michael realizing “even if they’re family it doesn’t seem right for them to _____.” I don’t know exactly where I’d draw the line on this issue but I really do have a line for when to be serious, even if there is much more territory on the other side.