I’m surprisingly ok around spiders, considering the number of phobias I have. 8 seems to be the perfect balance between no legs (ICK) and so-many-that-it-moves-like-it-has-no-legs. They are also the one constant in terms of “wildlife” in my house, throughout my entire life. It goes like this: I see one on the wall, I say “hey buddy, you stay over there and I’ll stay over here”, the spider abides because it knows I have the size advantage, and there is harmony and no swatting/crushing/flushing. But lately the spiders have no interest in respecting our treaty. I’ve seen 2 in or around my violin case (GTFO!) and they just looooove the shower. Is it extreme thirst that drives them to risk their lives crawling towards the stream of water when I’m showering? Are they perverts? Are they just way, waaay dumber than I perceive them to be?
So, this commercial keeps playing on CNBC, which is always on at work. They have a bunch of Beyonce music videos/performances strung together and clips of her wailing, and quotes from snazzy sources in glittery font, all to inform people who’ve been living under a rock that Beyonce is fabulous!!! and we should go buy her music (hadn’t you heard? Oh, everyone should know by now she’s fabulous.) And one quote brought me to an actual epiphany; a magazine called her “relentlessly perfect“. That is why I’m tired of her. It’s not just the warbly high-pitched repetitive choruses that I’ve heard too many times. It’s not that she seems like a bad person, because she actually seems like a sweetheart even while shitting on golden toilets (presumably). Being perfect all the time just isn’t very exciting, and it’s not something I’ll ever relate to. It’s alienating. In fact, she might be an alien, since she’s apparently flawless. Maybe it’s not her fault, but that of the people crowing about her perfectness and hyping her up. Maybe at home she wakes up in the morning feeling ugly, spills coffee all over herself and swears loudly, and spends a full hour sulking and not wanting to work out but has to “because of that damn photoshoot next week”. I never get to hear about her failing at anything, and I don’t know if she has a self-deprecating bone in her body. Assuming she does have some flaws, she comes across as being very good at hiding them from the world.
Excuse me Beyonce, could you please stop assaulting me with your perfection?
Shit Movie of the Week
N: Nurture dependence
I went on imdb tonight, as always when watching a terrible movie, to see what other viewers had to say about it (i.e. what specfically bothered them). That proved deeply dissatisfying, because Knight and Day has a shitload of fans. My parents included (“you know I hate Tom Cruise, but, you have to see it!”). I know the whole thing is supposed to ooze charm and adventure and something along the lines of romance/sexual something but I could NOT get over how fake the characters were. Tom Cruise was meh while Cameron Diaz was this moronic helpless quirky? blonde who seemed scripted by a 13 year old boy with little experience or knowledge of females– and I hate that I have to qualify that. So I started off thinking “hm, ok, there isn’t a shred of realism in this movie” and from there it gets worse and creepier. Cameron Diaz wakes up on this dude’s island with no recollection of getting there, in a bikini that isn’t hers. I’ll let one of the few wise reviews on imdb explain everything I felt about this garbage.
Teehee, men can be so silly.
Glad I’m not the only one. Blonde gets angry briefly after the whole “drugging and dragging to the lair and undressing” incident and her attempt at fighting Mysterious Man is diffused into giggling and rolling around in the sand with him.
Seriously, I wouldn’t let The Original James Bond or even his Pierce Brosnan reincarnation get away with that. If this doesn’t bother people, I’d like them to imagine Nick Nolte as the protagonist. Is it still cute, or is it actually creepy when you take away the blinding Tom Cruise smile and the (short, stumpy) muscles? I can’t even write this off as the writers trying to patch one of many plot holes, because Diaz’s character could have just woken up in her original dress on the beach, a little woozy. That’s just as believable as the rest of this garbage. They wanted to make a point about this guy taking the clothes off an unconscious girl, and it’s just not funny to me.*
*For the record, I laughed at the GOB/rohypnol jokes on Arrested Development, because he was blatantly portrayed as a sleazebag and, well… we always saw him taking advantage of conscious girls (or, more often, attempting to). Most of the characters on that show clearly had some deep flaws but got what they deserved, occasionally, and we’d see Michael rolling his eyes or George Michael realizing “even if they’re family it doesn’t seem right for them to _____.” I don’t know exactly where I’d draw the line on this issue but I really do have a line for when to be serious, even if there is much more territory on the other side.